This post won't be posted until probably next Monday, but I need to get my feelings out now.
Back Story: I've been alone now for 10.30 days, and still have 5 days to go. How am I handling it? NOT WELL!
People ask me how I'm doing -- I'm way to honest. I don't do "alone" well.
I like having someone to tell and sympathize with me when I get a crappy parking spot, or someone to look at my smashed finger and empathize everytime I have to use it.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder... MY BUTT! It makes the heart weaker, the brain stupider, the tears flow frequently, the apartment noises - scarier, the walk from the car to the apartment at night - longer, the bathing/grooming less important, the sleep less productive, and every little task harder.
Les Miserables is an understatement. I'm a 'waste of life' while he's gone. I can't get motivated eat let alone go to the gym.....
Yes I've had things to do almost every night of the week, places to go, people to talk to but when you come home to NOTHING, sleep next to Nobody (unless you count the cat - thank goodness for the cat!), bounce your thoughts and feelings off no one, it just plain sucks.
There are something things that aren't worth calling home to mama and daddio about, but I think I probably have called them about the stupidest things, but they understand. I posted a quote the other day about having a spouse because you need a witness to your life.... it's soo true.
Thinking of all my friends who've never married, I feel for them, but that's the way it's always been so they've adapted. I have gotten use to a certain standard of at least having a body to tell things to - even if he hears me talking but doesn't comprehend.
A friend of mine who is married, and has 2 kids, says when her husband goes away, she packs up the kids and goes to stay with her mom, but I live 2143 kilometers from my mom, and can't do that! She also doesn't work because he does but because I do, I couldn't just pick up and go home to mommy!
I do get to talk to him once a day or so, but it's more of a basic report: "We went to a Theme Park today, and ate out a great Restaurant." Well that's great for you, but I was miserable all day. It's not that I want him to come home because - being on a youth retreat is a good thing to do, but lets me honest - I need him to realize how HARD my days are here, alone, while he's off having fun and I'm just working to pay to put a roof over his head and food in his belly.
He'll know soon enough because I'm leaving him for 8 days this summer, but we're different people. He'll handle being alone differently and he has friends to hang out with - I don't.
If you're wondering why I don't hang out with Mariah - she's on the trip with him. * I did hang out with her the first part of his trip that wasn't Youth Group related.
Today, the Seminary's President's wife invited me to lunch because she knows "being alone" although her "job" is being his wife so she gets to go with him a lot of the times. But she knows I'm not having the time of my life; living the single life for 2 weeks.
I have attempted to improve our home while he's gone.
1. build shelf out of old coffee table - FAIL. Most frustrating day of my life!
2. create this atmosphere in living room:
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| From the wall, to the modem on the chair to reach to the computer - had to have it hooked to a computer to set up the wireless so I had to step over the wire for 4 hours while on the phone with the tech support trying to get the new modem to configure to the internet.... talk about frustrating but worth it because I saved $100 doing it myself and saving $600+ over the next 18 months by switching! |
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| a mess! |
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| a mess! I left it like this for 5 hours last night... baked cookies for small group then ran out the door, leaving it like this! |
I've pretty much frustrated myself into exhaustion, because he isn't here for me to share in my frustrations.
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. - Galatians 6:2
I need to work more on this:
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you - Psalm 55:22
Last summer he was gone for 9 days, which I thought was long! I remember hating it but I don't remember being as frustrated. He was also gone for a while at Christmas too, but I was gone part of the time he was gone so I wasn't alone as long.
I hate being alone too.. It gets easier, but doesn't make it better.. I'm glad you're trying to fill your time..
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