www.meloncholy.com

When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone
I seem to be in a state of "sober thoughtfulness" lately and I feel like I need to get my thoughts out... but I don't know where to begin or how to tie everything together so this may just be the most random blog ever.

Christmas.
So Nick talked to his mom yesterday and explained that he didn't think it was fair that I would have to drive 8 hours on my "3 day" vacation home....(even if it's more like 4 or 5 days). They decided if it was the other way around and You guys were asking him to drive 8 hours, they wouldn't want to let him go. He has been home 2x already and both times for a fairly significant number of days. It wasn't the most wonderful time of year though when he was there, so I still feel bad because I understand the "wanting to be with family" for Christmas and how hard it is going to be to not be there and for Marilyn to not have her baby home.... We knew it was a possibility when Nick decided to go to school so far away though, but part of me still thought I'd be able to afford for us to come home at Christmas.

I talked to Rebecca and told her I needed to be as involved as possible at church this Christmas because that will make me feel at home. She's asked me if I'm interested in helping with the  Children's Christmas choir... so that could be totally cool!!!

Christmas has always been hard for me since I met Nick. That's a weird statement I know, but I think it comes down to the fact that I love Christmas so much and had such a wonderful traditions growing up and it's hard to change. I love the idea of starting new traditions with him and I love spending the holidays with his family, I just wish that Christmas was on a different weekend in Canada like how the Thanksgivings are separated!!

I love where we live... the mountains and the sky and the weather patterns, and the proximity to everything oh so cool, the people we've met (at church, at school), the things we're involved in (choir, youth group, church, school, PiM3, manna, photography), and coming home with a baseball game going on with bright lights right across from our patio and I love our home!! That being said, I think this thought comes from the feeling of regret, or lack there of. As hard as it is to be soo far from family I don't regret moving here! I love it here... I love what we're doing here. BUT. Driving home from Choir last night, which I looked forward to ALL day, all the red tail lights and green traffic lights and white street lights blurred into a Christmasy vision when the tears welled up yet again. (It probably didn't help that I was listening to Christmas music) I know it my heart that this is just a season and that when this season is over I NEED to be close to home... if I could I would just move Colorado next to Ohio and Ontario. That would be the best.

Job Stress. Normal. Routine.
This not having a stable full time regular job thing is getting me down. I've never been in this before and I really feel like it's my fault that we can't go out for dinner or indulge in a movie date. Its like a knife in the chest when we're invited to go somewhere or do something, or others are doing something that we want to be doing and we can't because I'm unemployed. I feel like such a failure, incompetent and I just plain hate that I can't do anything about it. I'm a fixer, a make things happen person, and all I can do is apply for jobs and wait and see if anyone "picks me". My mom has made the suggestion that I invent a fund raiser for a charity to get my name out in the community and it sounds like a GREAT idea, I just don't know where to begin, and I'm scared that I'll get half way in and then get a job that will make finishing well difficult and I don't want to fail at that. I already know I want to do it for Ronald McDonald House.. mostly be because I have a heart-connection to them!

I want more out of life. I want deeper relationships. I just texted Nick saying that I love our lazy life of watching TV together, and being in the same room together playing on our computers, connecting with our friends from home through facebook or video games and I want to keep that, I just want to add more.

I know it is possible to have a life of doing more, deeper life together. I want to be healthy but laying on the couch always sounds better than working out! I think maybe I'll make a schedule for us to work out together and try to stick to it. I know working out will make me feel better about myself which might help with the unemployed/failure feelings. I want to get closer to God together with my husband. I want to cook together in the kitchen. I'm sure some of the things (specifically the last one) are unrealistic and I should have considered marrying a a different person. Nick does try to keep me company in the kitchen but I love the idea of working together on a meal.

The only other woe in my life is that I feel like I'm ready to hold my own baby in my arms, but we have to take care of all of these other above issues first. It's hard because so many other seminary wives/friends have announced they're pregnant or just had a baby and so many Spring Arbor students who got married after us have babies or are having babies. I feel like I'm in an un-biological state of infertility. I hope I never have to experience real infertility, and I prayer for all my friends who do/are struggling with that.... yuk.

Just writing out my feelings makes me feel better about life.... as if I have it handled. Does that make sense?