www.BrutalHonestyHere.com

I think I figured something out last night.

I struggle with feeling inadequate.

In my new family, which has accepted me with open arms, yet I still feel like I'm struggling to find my place. When Steph came into the family, I felt like I just fell down the ladder because she was older and more mature, she had a good job.  They were more established in life, and therefore in the family.

In my original family, I feel like I'm letting them down by not getting a job that their hard earned dollars paid for my degree, that I can barely make enough money to feed me and one other person.

**None of these feelings are validated by anything anyone says other than myself. It's my own problem of setting my expectation of myself too high.

In my career, if you can even call it that, I've always struggled with inadequacy. I came out of University with a Cume Laud B.A. with 2 concentrations and with Honours in the Major high hopes of becoming successful, getting a job in my field, working my way up. After 4 years of consistently being beaten down I've lost all feelings of ever being successful, and making a decent living.

In all of the side things I do in life; Coffee Bar, PiM3 Leader etc. I feel like my inadequacy feelings in the other areas of my life are always in the back of my mind telling me I'm not good enough to be leading these also.

Comparing is Bad thing, but stupid facebook makes that so easy to do. All the people my age and even younger, are either working awesome jobs, or have 2 or 3 kids already and find their purpose and joy in life in that. I realize too people put out a good front on facebook, that their lives aren't perfect, but when you look at ultrasound after ultrasound, and new babies 2 out of every 3 posts on facebook, it's hard to not yearn for that sense of purpose. (My facebook displays that I live my life on vacation, and at parties so to others they might look like Heaven)

I don't know what needs to change for these feelings to go away.

I know these truths below, but I'm not sure my heart knows them.

"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God" (2 Cor. 3:4-5).

Jesus said, "Apart from me you can do nothing!" (John 15:5)

"For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. . . . I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Phil. 2:13 and 4:13).

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).